Smash The Single: "Moves Like Jagger"

Good news, people!  Rock is dead!  Smash the Single isn’t (quite)!

So, Maroon 5 is this crappy pop-rock band from the ‘90s.  “Wait, Paul, you better check your facts, Maroon 5 wasn’t around until 2002.”  Sure, but they were around as Kara’s Flowers for long before them.  Yeah.  Wikipedia.

Anyhow, this song is dreadful.  Dreadfully boring.  It goes nowhere, never develops, and has all been done before.  Sort of.  There’s one thing I’ve never heard before that goes on in this song, but I would sooner be drawn and quartered and be forced to blind myself before I’d call it a virtue.

This whole idea of whistling in songs has gotten to be pretty popular recently.  So, Aqua-Marine 9 decided to take it to the logical next step: make it digital and heinous.

It’s not quite reached the point of auto-tune, but that can’t be far away.  Anyway, this abomination of all things decent is backed by a tasteless yet unsatisfying backdrop of processed two-chord guitar.  It’s boring.  Boring.  Boring.  Boring.  Soon, boring won’t even resemble a word anymore if this goes on.  Let’s grab some lyrics, that’s always promising:

Just shoot for the stars
If it feels right
Then aim for my heart
If you feel like
And take me away, make it okay
I swear I'll behave

You wanted control
So we waited
I put on a show
Now I make it
You say I'm a kid
My ego is big
I don't give a sh*t
And it goes like this

Hold on, what is going on here?  Someone was relying waaaay to heavily on this stream-of-consciousness style of writing.  This isn’t even coherent.  It’s just a bunch of random phrases.  What’s going on with the second verse?  That doesn’t make sense at all.  There’s only two lines in the first two verses that naturally seem to go together. “If you feel like and take me away, make it okay.”  That totally works.  Great job, Forest-Green 7.

Somewhere along the run we get this stagnant and ever so trashy dub bass going on.  Here’s the catch, though: it’s so distorted, you’ll never be able to tell if it’s actually playing notes.  It’s all crunch! 

Moving on to the chorus, which is actually just the verse with an extra-bland drum loop:

Take me by the tongue
And I'll know you
Kiss me till you're drunk
And I'll show you

You want the moves like Jagger
I've got the moves like Jagger
I've got the mooooooves... like Jagger

Is it just me, or is Great Expectations making a comeback? 

But honestly, what is the deal with this Jagger fellow?  He’s been around for a long time, why are people so obsessed with him all of the sudden?  Apparently, “Jagger” is super attractive, dances incredibly well, and is known for getting involved where he’s not wanted. 

Bland, bland, bland.  It’s boring.  The song, like my writing career, is headed nowhere.  Pathetic attempt, Cyan 2.

Single = Smashed